I remember that I said to one of my very good (girl) friends not too long ago in a light hearted manner while I was at her house late at night and didn't want to go home because I was tired
"Let's just call it a sleepover. I'll see you in the morning" as I playfully turned towards their guest bedroom.
She responded with so very little hesitation that she must have had this thought previous to that moment, and said "stop messing around, you know that you would actually do that, even though you know that nothing inappropriate would happen, even though you may be comfortable with the idea, you are too worried about what you brother would think of you tomorrow" My immediate reaction was to tell her
"No. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. God knows everything, what he thinks of me is important but what other people think of me simply doesn't matter" but I just sat there for a moment—Pondering. She was right. I cared what my brother though of me. I cared what my mom thought of me. I cared way too much. I craved for their respect. It wasn't only them that I wanted respect from, it was from everyone that was important to me in any way. And according to my actions I cared more about that than actually doing what I wanted to do in many cases. I suddenly realized that my pride and desire to make others have a certain image of me was acting as a prison to what I wanted to do in many ways.
I'm not sure what things I would have done differently looking back on my life now that I think about it, but I just had the realization that I have this feeling.
Now I am thinking, maybe it's just important to think what God thinks of me. But is that even right? Should my charitable acts be inspired by hoping that anyone else will think better of me, even if that be God? I think that that should come from somewhere else. I guess it's actually pretty easy, all good should be inspired by love. Love for God, or Love for men. Charity never faileth. Right? Cool. I need to work on that.
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